ways to handle negative emotions without destroying the r/s

Being a Nice Guy Gets You Nowhere

• such persons can not only develop a host of psychological problems, but can also have clogged up relationships.
• but popularity is not synonymous with intimacy, and this man who is superficially liked by everyone is rarely loved fiercely by anyone.
• he is never perceived as open. There is something about the chronically cheerful person that does not quite ring true.
• He is dull. The nice guy is pleasant to be around at first, but in the long run most of us prefer the company of people with passion.
• If he cannot show anger, he is inept at showing love as well. His emotions are so tightly controlled that he has no range.
• Passively hostile people are much harder to get along with than those who express themselves with honest, direct anger.
• When he loses his temper and become unreasonable, it is usually because anger has been building up for a long time and has built up a powerful head of steam. Finally, the teakettle ruptures.
• When passively hostile people blow, their expression of anger is disproportionate to the complaint because they are ventilating a lot of past grievances all at once. The result is that communication shorts out.
• Another danger in swallowing our irritation is that our anger, when it finally erupts, is often displaced.
• if the two of you agree early in the friendship that occasional negativity will be welcomed, it can help enormously.
• The healthy relationship stays healthy not only because you let your negative feelings out when they occur, but also because you let your beloved do the same.
• The trick is learn to listen without making judgements about the emotions.
• One of the surest ways to break down communication is to use the phrase often heard in serious conversation: "Please don't be so upset."
• The fact of the matter is that people have a right to feel bad at times. And if we love them, we will not be hasty in trying to talk them out of their negative emotions. We'll simply give them the freedom to feel.
• when one's anger is directed at you.. : Do not stifle your response; Do not assign permanence to emotions; Remember that you can love and be angry at the same time.
• There is a certain clean feeling about restored love after a good airing of grievances. Frequently, feelings are deeper and more tender than before.

Six Techniques To Help You Get Angry without Becoming Destructive

• 1) Talk about your feelings, not your friend's faults
• It doesn't hurt to employ a little ingenuity in your negative expressions.
• 2) Stick to one topic.
• The resolution of one problem at a time is difficult enough without pulling in old grievances.
• 3) Allow your friend to respond.
• If you are unhappy with someone, you have a right to express it, but you also have the responsibility to stay and hear the other side.
• 4) Aim for ventilation and resolution, not conquest
• the point is to ventilate our feelings, and hopefully search for some resolution, not to force the other to surrender.
• 5) Avoid chemicals as a lubricant
• 6) Balance criticism with lots of affection
• You can get away with many expressions of anger if you balance them with lots of expressions of love.

--- quoted from "The Friendship Factor" by Alan Loy Mcginnis.