*Warning Warning*
Read at your own risk.
I guess... because of my introverted nature, I've grown into this person who is very used to depending on myself, who thinks that my opinion matters most to myself. I talked to myself a lot during my secondary school days. I told myself various reasons to justify some of the "bullying' that I've gotten from my good friends.. I told myself that, whatever happens to me, is for good reasons, e.g. for me to get stronger, for me to learn how to deal with certain people, is for a fair exchange ( both parties get what we want, e.g. bullying for companionship..) Most of the time, i won't believe what i say, and I'll just be sad.. But I thought it is all worth it when friends still stayed with me.
Note: maybe there weren't any bullying at all.. just that I didn't know what to say and react..
Then during my JC days, I think i entered this "don't know what's important" stage. Spent so much time alone just because I thought that I couldn't communicate with the rest of my class who were mainly an English-speaking bunch. I used to skip classes, and would go to the starbucks opposite my sch to try to read my notes and do my work. As a result, I spent an extra year in J1. For the next two years in JC, I spent my time within a small circle of friends again. Don't dare to know new friends because I don't know how to banter with people and I am not interesting company..
... This just got me thinking that I am still the same now.. I was like this in NTU, and I am still like this at NIE. I started getting nervous recently, when I was told to introduce myself during lessons. My heartbeat will get faster and my breathing will speed up... And I will stutter for a while.. ... I am not afraid.. I have accepted that people don't like boring and un-interesting people. Nobody will bother to know boring and un-interesting people. Maybe I should start a club for people like me...
Interesting is subjective... Just that my kind happens to be the minority.. and somemore, I don't like to trouble others... The moment I feel that I am a bother to someone, and if I am sure it is true, I will take the initiative to go away. ...
I feel so childish complaining about these issues. I am so childish... another point that my peers will not like...
i am so whiny too.. :/ okay, I think i have vented enough...
3 comments:
hilo gr,
i think it's not about being whiny. probably, u have to come to terms and to accept yourself as you are. something which i think is lacking.
to be able to know and to be able to accept are separate things. more often than not, it's the acceptance that is tough due to the rationalisation exercise, as some thing's gotta give. and we are complex greedy animals.
so yeah, learn to let go abit, u may find yourself at peace hopefully. i used to have such self-loathing moments too. but no less i am a lesser man. :)
hope that give you some confidence and sunshine to lift the downcast outlook. :)
mr aruca
... hmmm... thank you for your words and concern :)
I will remind myself that it's okay to be myself... good day to you :o
"nothing is permanent in this world, not even our troubles" ~ charlie chaplin
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